Today is day nine of my 30-day shred and it's finally starting to feel like I won't die... figures, considering tomorrow is the last day on Level One. I'll start the next level on Monday, which I've heard from various sources is killer. That just makes me sooo excited to try it and then the third level too... NOT! Today I also tried a dance workout, but it wasn't all that great because they didn't break down the steps very well and went too fast. I ended up hurting my knees --not just my bad one, but both!-- so I won't be trying it again. 

My friend Buttercup (the one I have a pseudo-crush on) and I planned to hang out today as he finally has time off. He works sixty hours a week doing two jobs, so he doesn't have much free days to spend with his pals... especially since his girlfriend is, to quote him, "paranoid" due to his being a player years ago. Seriously, he was on his way out of that phase when I met him nearly ten years ago now. He's not even going to tell her he hung out with me today because he knows it will send her into an insecure hissy-fit. I really don't understand why guys go for girls like that; my mum is like that and she drives ME nuts, let alone my dad 

I haven't met her yet, but the only thing I've heard of her that I like is that she also bugs Buttercup about stopping his icky smoking habit. We were only together for two hours and he had three or four of the nasty things. If I so much as wrinkled my nose at him, he'd call me "wifey". As his friend I don't get a say in it, but considering he won't stop for his gf either I don't see how that make a difference. 

Anyways, we stopped at Tim Hortons and he treated me to breakfast, then we headed for the park for a walk. This is what we usually do whenever we get together, and I like just strolling by the water with him. Just as we were about to get out of the car it had started to rain, so we chatted a bit until the rain slowed. He didn't think I'd want to get wet, but I was willing to chance the rain. It's not like I was going anywhere but home after, so getting soaked would have been amusing rather than annoying. 

After we did our usual route, we went to Chapters to browse. We'd never done that before, but he knew I wouldn't have any issue with going! *L0L* We both still had some gift cards from Christmas, and went about spending them. I got three books, one of which he suggested to me, and he got four --three of them being part of a box set that I convinced him to buy since he thought it sounded good but was being all iffy. Chances are we're going to end up doing a trade to read each others in a month or so 

We did another stop at Timmy's (the boy cannot be without his coffee!) and he had me try a strawberry-banana smoothie (without icky yogurt). We shared that on our way back to my place, where I finally gave him his birthday/grad prezzie. For my college grad a couple years ago he gave me a gorgeous claddagh ring, so I crocheted him a blanket that was similar to his family plaid. I think he liked it, but it is pretty awesome if I do say so myself. 

Back at my house we hung around outside; we usually end up talking for a bit whenever he drops me off. Mum came out to chat with him as she hadn't seen him in a while either. It took years before she got used to the idea of him and I being friends, as she doesn't think it is possible to be friends with someone of the opposite gender. Sure, I think he's cute and sometimes wonder what it would be like if we were in a relationship, but I also am pretty sure we wouldn't work out as a couple and am happy with things as they are.

He continually teases me about going to Ireland to find a husband, which isn't entirely far from the truth. If I happen to fall in love and marry an Irishman, I have no problem with that! I'm not sure I'd want to live in another country forever, but we'll see how I like a year or two there. Don't know what I'll do if I love it more than anything and don't fall in love or find a job that wants to keep me around. Is there I way I could move there for good without changing my citizenship? Unless they let me get a dual one, because I'm proud to be Canadian! 

Mum didn't bother asking much about him, just why she hadn't seen him around in a while, and then started going on and on about her exercising and new diet and all that stuff. Even I was bored to tears by her and started zoning out until she finally went back inside to finish getting ready to leave. Her ramblings made me wonder if I was boring all of y'all with all my talk of workouts, but it's just too bad, cuz you're stuck with them until the end of the month 

Buttercup said he's going to be applying for the job he went to college with the aim of acquiring probably at the end of the summer. If he gets it, he'll have about four months of training in Quebec (province, not city), then posted anywhere in the world. I would love it if he was assigned to the British Isles, because then we could do tourtisty stuff together! If he gets a choice, though, he'd go for Alaska or Australia as those are the places he'd like to see the most. He told me he could totally see everything he'd want to in Ireland in less than two weeks... *pshaw!* There is no way I could see everything I want in twice that time!

SUMR

I have been exercising and eating healthier for about thirty-five days now. While my weight doesn't seem to be dropping all that much, I have found I possess a lot more energy most days. This is possibly because on the days I exercise I find it easier to fall asleep at night having used up a heck of a lot more energy during the day. I do still wake up a few times in the night though, possibly more than before, but I can usually fall back to sleep pretty quickly. Some of these wake-ups may be partially due to the fact I'm trying to drink eight glasses of water a day rather than my usual four...   

Anyways, I've been using this one website to track my eating habits and exercise minutes, and it said I could join this other page which gives me daily visualizations to complete. I have only been doing this for a couple of days, but it actually relaxes me and motivates me more. I love it!

Here are some examples I found through the page and snooping other people's pages on said site: 

Spend 30 seconds visualizing one of your most important goals. See yourself reaching this goal. What will you feel like? How will this change your life?

Picture yourself at your goal weight, working out effortlessly alongside your former self. You see your former self struggling with exercises now easy. How does it feel to see yourself on both sides of your journey? What habits can you work on today to get one step closer to your future, improved self?

Imagine you have to make a choice between a cookie and an apple. Confidently reach out, grab the apple, and take a big bite. Notice the feeling of relief that washes over you. You made the right decision to help you get a step closer to your weight-loss goal! Think about this scenario if you feel tempted by unhealthy choices today.

Spend 1 minute visualizing that you're standing in front of a powerful waterfall in a beautiful place. Harness that energy and power to help you stay strong all day long.

But then I found out it was just a trial and I'd have to pay to get a membership to all it has to offer, and to be honest I'd be more likely to join Xanga than it if I had the money cuz I love y'all more!

So here is the thing. I need help visualizing becoming healthy and losing weight, as well as being brave enough to go to Ireland for two years on my own. I tried looking for guided imagery websites or books or apps, but didn't have any luck. What I would like is for y'all to send me some things to visualize each morning regarding any of those things. Please? 

SUMR

A couple of days ago @Persiankitty was lamenting that she couldn't find a crochet pattern for Marvel's Infinity Gauntlet. Only one person had a picture posted online, but they refused to sell the pattern and was only willing to make the item for people. Personally, I wasn't all that impressed by what the "tribute" looked like but maybe that's just me.

To quote the website it can be found on: This is a piece of wearable art made in tribute to the Marvel Universe’s Infinity Gauntlet. Sought by many, crocheted by one, it is fairly tough yet movable -- the fingers are independent and have a good range of motion but the gauntlet can stand upright on its own. This is a Tribute item, so the pattern will not be made commercially available -- however, if you would like to commission this or any other work, send me a message!

Well, screw that. It is now no longer just "made by one" *snort* Not that I have any belief that other people have not crocheted said glove-thing and merely did not post it online anywhere. Though I am now beginning to wonder if there is some sort of copyright on the original design of it and, if so, does that mean no one can make a profit off the pattern? Hmmm...

Personally, I have a tendency to just look at things and then make a version of them rather than following a pattern --though I will use one on the rare occasion. That being the case, I thought it might be fun trying to figure out how to do the Infinity Gauntlet so Kat can have a pattern. I tried a few things, jotting down the directions as I went, and created a prototype for the pattern. Now, the crocheted gauntlet I made has errors in it that I didn't feel like going back to correct, but I ensured were right on the pattern.

I think it turned out fairly decently, thought it doesn't stand up by itself very well. I supposed if you used a tougher yarn than I did it would, or you could stick a stand under it or even use pillow stuffing up in it. But mine is totally wearable and, in my opinion, no different than wearing winter gloves. I hope Kat likes it! Do you? 

SUMR

I didn't really do anything exciting for Canada Day. I was supposed to go to an impromptu "Earnest" reunion, but a couple things stopped me. I wasn't feeling well due to trying this protein shake (must remember never to have milk in the morning nor on an empty stomach or I will feel really ill), it was at least a thirty minute drive in the rain, plus I'd be the only girl among three to five guys. While I would have liked to see Algy and Jack again, I thought it may as well be boy-bonding and I'd just be in the way. 

I've been doing Jillian Michaels 30-Day shred DVD, and it is absolutely killer! My asthma starts to kick in at about ten to twelve minutes, but since it is only a twenty minute workout there isn't much point in taking a dose of my puffers. I hope that by the time I'm done this workout I will no longer be wheezing. @Karoline1982 is doing the DVD as well with her sister, and already likes it. I think she's nuts to find it fun, but it certainly does get your blood pumping... and your muscles screaming the next morning.

My other friend Dawlz is going to start the video, too. Apparently Dawlz has never made it through the whole month because she hates Jillian's voice, so doing it "with" someone might get her through it *L0L* I told her I am going to be doing the dvd for longer than the thirty days because I am only going to do it Monday through Friday, then on Saturday do the New York City Ballet Workout (though I may switch to the second one because the first is poorly made), and have a rest day on Sundays. She's going to be doing that with me if she likes the ballet workout --though she could do yoga instead as it isn't all that dissimilar. 

Apparently my mum was waiting for me to wake up this morning to do the workout video together. I did it without her yesterday, so while I was at work she tried the second level (there are three and, according to Karo's sister, you're supposed to do each level for ten days). Today she said how much easier the first level was after doing the second, that her weights were too light and she needed to go up a couple pounds, that she was hardly even sweating and wasn't having any trouble breathing at all, and I was doing some of the moves wrong, etc. It was driving me nuts, but if I said anything to her about what she was doing I know she would revoke my privileges of dvd-usage.

On Friday I had cornered my boss to get some answers for my project "baby", and he gave me the go-ahead to move forward with it. Then yesterday he retracted that as someone is interested in buying the entire building. If that happens both companies will either move elsewhere or lease space back, and I don't want to move to another location. It rocks being able to walk to work in ten minutes! The other problem with it is that should this person buy the building, my "baby" dies and I lose any extra hours boss-man might have given me as the manager thereof. Not that my title would be manager or I'd get a raise to match the responsibilities, no they aren't like that. They call me a receptionist and I get paid minimum wage for all the work I do for them --things like content writing, social media consultation, sales, proofreading, copyediting, layout, etc. 

Anyways, he said to me yesterday that if Mel didn't have any work for me to do then I shouldn't bother coming in. Say what?! I work for his daughter in the afternoons for four hours on three days a week, so unless she says that to me I will be coming in for my hours. It's crazy enough that my hours got cut in half, but to get them cut completely? I've started looking at the job bank and asking around if any friends know of their work hiring, because it looks like I really will have to leave my job. I like the work I'm doing, but the bosses are not too high on my appreciation list at the moment... 

I had another weird dream in the night. I think it was due to my thoughts on the fact I need to finish getting my full license before going to Ireland, because I was dreaming I was taking my G-test. My dream was seriously nuts and kept jumping around to different scenarios. In the first part of my dream, I had done an excellent driving test, and after getting back to the building he asked me out on a date. I thought it was inappropriate and said the timing was bad because I didn't want anyone to question my passing should people find out we started going out right after that. I said that if we bumped into each other at a later date, he had permission to ask then. I didn't think we would see each other again due to my leaving for Ireland shortly, but didn't want to offend him in fear he might flunk me for refusing to going on a date with him. 

The next scenario: I was driving down the highway when the instructor told me to put the car in cruise mode and I refused because it had rained and I didn't want the car to hydroplane. The instructor was getting upset with me and even tried to reach across me to grab the wheel or press the button, I wasn't sure which. It freaked me out and I thought the instructor was a bit suicidal from the way she was acting. 

I couldn't take it anymore and I pulled over to the side of the road. I got out and walked a few feet from the car to call the Driver's Test people. I was complaining that I felt what the instructor was asking me to do was unsafe. I then turned around to head back to the Driver's Test building, and the instructor kept freaking out. I went inside saying I wanted someone else to test me, but got told that I was just making a fuss because the instructor flunked me. I started protesting that when the situation changed, and I was back on the side of the road being told that my instructor didn't find me waiting and thought I had changed my mind. I asked if that was the case, then who was the person with me claiming to be an instructor? 

My dream changing again, I was back on the road driving when the instructor tried to get me to get off the highway and down a country road. I thought she might try to kill me or something and took a different exit where there was a Tim Hortons. I kept trying to tell one of the workers to call the cops because my life was in danger, but I had to do so without the instructor seeing. When the instructor tried to pull me out of the cafe I made a fuss, and the instructor claimed to be my mother. I said that was impossible and asked her age, stating she would have been nine or twelve  when she had me if that was true. 

I started asking customers how old they thought I looked, just so they'd all have to look at me and remember me for the police. Then this guy came in and claimed he was an undercover cop and tried to get me outside with him. I wasn't trusting him either and refused, then I ran to the staff bathroom and locked myself in when he tried to drag me outside. Eventually there was a knock on the door and a person claiming they were a cop, asking me to come out of the loo. I had my cell phone in my purse and called the police to ask if the cops had arrived at the donut shop and was told they were on route, so I knew the person outside the door wasn't a cop. 

I guess the psychos got really ticked at me because they started a fire in the storage room, which is where the bathroom is also located. I stuffed wet paper towels around the cracks in the door, doused myself with water, and laid down on the floor to wait for rescue. I was pretty much unconscious when a firefighter managed to bust the door, wrapped me in a blanket, and ran with me to outside. I woke up about then, so I only have a vague recollection of two scenarios going on with them. In one I can see some people in handcuffs, but in the other they're not captured and I'm scared they'll either try to take me during the chaos or they will go free. 

And now it's time for me to go to work!

SUMR

Well, it's a jolly holiday for us Canadians! I hope everyone is in a celebratory mood My cousin came down to visit the family yesterday; she was going to go to my aunt's cottage and visit the relatives there but was told there were already fifteen people there and no room for her. Her boyfriend came with her and we went out to eat, and had a nice visit. 

I had the oddest dream last night. Or this morning really, as I woke up around 5 or so and had said dream after falling back to sleep. I was in Ireland and trying to get the rest of my license (I only have my G2, and thus have one more test before being fully licensed). I made a deal with the instructor that he take me to a parking lot to show me how to drive stick --they didn't have any automatic-- and then take me on quiet roads for my test. I said that if I didn't kill anyone, then I'd get my license... so while we're driving on this dirt road a cyclist comes out of no where and in front of my car. I barely manage to avoid hitting him and somehow managed not to get hit from the cars behind either. 

The cyclist was made at me, so I bawled him out for zipping from a hidden intersection without checking for cars. He's all huffy, saying stupid stuff like "don't you know who I am?" To which I reply, "Yeah, an eejit" and say he should have learned to stop and look for cars when he was a child. Turns out that he was supposed to head up a cavalcade of cars and thought we were it (when it was really a bunch of cars a bit aggro that I wasn't driving crazy fast and they couldn't pass me). The cavalcade was actually somewhere behind me and some important guy came up to find out what happened. I'm starting to realize he's apparently someone famous, but am too ticked off to care. 

In apology for nearly causing a pile-up, the cyclist told the minister-type guy to give me an invitation to a party as his guest. The minister guy was shocked because it is apparently a big thing, but I turn it down saying that parties involving invitations are usually black tie and I didn't have any fancy dresses nor was it in the budget to buy one. I was offered a dress be bought for me, but I turn that down too. The cyclist cajoles me to come and so we compromise: he can buy me a white sash to go on my bridesmaid dress to spruce it up a bit as I did bring that with me. 

He picked me up and when we arrive at the party, it's practically hollywood-red carpet important. There are paparazzi and such there, and I'm asked who I'm wearing. The cyclist says the sash is armani, and having no idea what company made my dress I merely say it is from a Canadian designer and I had it shipped over --which was true after a fashion. It is at this point that I realize the cyclist is far more famous than I even suspected and starting to wonder just who the heck he was. I never did find out because I started to wake up then and was unable to fall back to sleep.

So the plan for today is to get some editing done, and start my new exercise challenge. Today I'm going to try out my NYC Ballet Workout DVD and see how long it is. I'm thinking that maybe I'll do a video every saturday instead of trying to do it before work on Tuesdays. I could always do it on one of my other days off, so I'll probably switch it around a wee bit depending on my schedule for work and so forth. I am thinking I might do a different video each weekend as mum got two new ones... if she lets me use them. One is "Jillian's 30 Day Shred" and the other is from "The Biggest Loser" trainers, and they sound interesting if incredibly hard. I'll have to also check out the library for others and see if there is anything good there, too. 

For my daily 30 day challenge I didn't take one from the internet; instead I took parts of various ones and made it workable for me. I actually made two because I changed my mind about one of the exercises. A few of them are from Dr Oz's Belly Workout, and all though there is the possibility that Oz is not a reliable source of health and fitness, the exercises are variations of one's I've heard before so they can't be totally insane. 

The reason why I made up my own challenge is because I didn't like how the other challenges specified rest days. This past month not one rest day was when I needed it, when I was in dire pain from the exercises or when I had other plans. When you try to switch around the rest days all the numbers got out of whack and I had trouble remembering what day I should be one. That's why I didn't specify rest days in mine, so that they could just be used as needed. Here's the challenge I'm planning on doing, what do you think?

UPDATE: I have decided that I want to do more cardio this month, so I'll move my above exercises to August. Instead I'm going to do a 20-30 minute cardio video every weekday morning, and the ballet workout dvd on saturdays. 

SUMR

* happy dance * happy dance * happy dance * happy dance * happy dance * happy dance * happy dance *

Today was the last day of my 30-day challenge --all three of them! I have done a million squats, a modicum of push-ups, forced myself to plank for far too many seconds, did painful leg raises (they kind of hurt my back), gazillions of sit-ups, and an unimaginable amount of crunches. According to the fitness tracker I've been using, I have completed 1,000 fitness minutes from this challenge plus walking to work every day. In just a moment I will tell you the numerical results, but there were other things that happened too... 

First, I realized that exercising isn't all that bad. I always seem to forget this fact between my bouts of wanting to get healthy and being discouraged. I still don't find it fun and enjoyable --I totally wish I could afford to take classes at the gym or a dance school instead-- but it does give me more energy in the mornings and I fall asleep easier at night, something I consider a HUGE bonus. The fact that I stuck to it for the entire month is rather a miracle in my opinion, and I now know that I really can do it... I will have a bit more faith in my abilities from now on. I'll have to, won't I? 

I can now hold the plank position for two entire minutes. We used to do this exercise in ballet class, but it was incredibly hard for us to reach the one minute marker. This may have been due to the fact that we were only planking once a week in class, as opposed to nearly every day like I have now done (well, except for rest days). I never thought I would ever be able to hold it for that long, but now totally can! I think will keep up with doing this exercise since it is all-over good for your body, and I want to be able to easily hold the two-minute marker if not make it to five. Wouldn't that be an amazing feat to brag about?

My thighs may not have shown much shrinkage, but I never really expected them too. Yes, there is grab-able fat still there, but I've always been told I have "dancer's legs" and my muscles had always been pretty good in that area. The good news is that when I go to grab onto the fleshy bits now there is a bit less give, so I know I'm switching the bit of fattiness over to strengthening my muscles. I'll be happy when there is no jiggly bits when I dance and perhaps they'll also stop touching...

You may have seen on my facebook that I had a bit of a spaz the other night about my stomach. You see, a friend's husband used to work out, and he unknowingly tore a muscle which meant his intestines started creeping out or something. Surgery was required and I never forgot that little horror story, so when I had "put my hands on my hips" (aka my waist) and felt firmness I thought my innards were exploding because I had internally injured myself due to unsupervised exercise. Mum poked me a couple times, followed the line of my belly flab (which is apparently an indication where muscle is) and said that the hard bit was, in fact, my muscle. Needless to say I was in shock! So I now have some serious rock hard tummy muscles that could potentially be abs under the squishiness.

And now for the results you have been waiting for...

weight: lost 4 pounds

bust: no change (lamentably)

torso: lost 1.5 inches

waist: lost 2 inches 

hips: lost 2 inches

thigh: lost 0.75 of an inch 

Okay, so the last picture is from about three years ago, but I'd love to be able to get back to that! Nevertheless, check out my awesome weight tracker! Isn't it cute? And it shows I'm making progress!

*  *  *

I totally stole this idea from @Karoline1982. 

LIST 10 PEOPLE WHO HAVE INFLUENCED YOU AND DESCRIBE HOW.

1. Mum: Instead of teaching me how to be a strong woman, my mother basically showed me how not to be through example. She would tell me that she obeyed her parents even when she didn't want to, and wished she had done otherwise... even as she was demanding blind obedience from her children. She didn't go to college and said she didn't get to do what she wanted in life. She was naive about boys and ended up pregnant at nineteen. She holds grudges for years and that leads to very uncomfortable family get-togethers. From her I discovered that your parents aren't always right, and sometimes disobedience isn't always a bad thing. That getting an education and learning how to be independent will help you get ahead in life, and that knowing you can make it on your own is a lot less stressful way to live. And how important it is to forgive someone, to work on building a relationship rather than allowing it to rule the rest of your life and all relationships thereafter.

2. Dad: Well, to be honest my father was a bit absentee even though my parents have been married for over 30 years. Much of his career was spent on the road, and until I was a teenager I rarely saw him. But what I have learned is that it is important to stand up for your rights and what you believe in, but getting angry and yelling is pretty much a waste of time. If you want to get things done, don't blow a gasket but find a way to communicate calmly. If that doesn't work, just do what you want and deal with the consequences.

3. Brother: From my brother I learned that the people you expect to love and protect you, won't. Don't allow yourself to be blinded to what a person is really like, but pay attention to how others act. It took me years to figure out that some people only have use for you when it helps them out, but they couldn't care less about helping you. If someone lies, steals, is violent, etc, don't make excuses for them because they will just keep on walking all over you and using you until you aren't useful to them anymore. If you want respect, first respect yourself... and it's rather rewarding to outsmart a person who thinks they are better than you. 

4. Tammy & Tavia: Two of my relatives who have always encouraged me be whatever I want to be and to write. My aunt, whom I'm not very close to, one day popped by and said that I was a good writer and asked what was stopping me from writing, from getting my work out there. If I wanted to be a writer, I should just go ahead and start writing that novel. So what if I never made money from it or that it would drive my parents crazy? I would be happy. I had what it takes and should share that talent with other people. My cousin, a mere six months older than me but always living miles from me, also said that I had talent and should get my work seen, because it was good enough. Not to just keep it to myself, but get it published or produced. She's even tried to help me along by telling me about script writing opportunities. I still haven't sent any of my work out, but because of them I know that someday I will.

5. Ex-Boyfriends & Boy Friends: These guys taught me that you need to know who you are before you can be part of a pair. If you cannot be yourself and stand firm on your beliefs you'll just end up regretting your actions and/or relationship. It is better to be single at a young age even when your friends make fun of you than to end up either a pregnant teenager or a lost and confused adult. Knowing what you want out of life is just as important as having a love life, and if anyone ever says to prove that you love them or always asks you to compromise but never willing to do so themselves is seriously not worthy of your love. Every guy, whether he is "that into you" are not, will take a kiss if the opportunity arises; it's up to you to decide whether to give it or not. It is worth waiting for the right man, you just need to have faith in yourself and in him.

6. Holly: One of my besties no matter where in the world she happens to be living at the time, she has always been so unique and so ready for adventure. From her I learned that being yourself is much more interesting than being like everyone else, and being yourself is a heck of a lot fun. It doesn't matter that you're a little crazy (in a good way), just find people who are your kind of crazy. From her I learned to just be me and to never be afraid to try something new, because being afraid will hold you back from what you really want to do or be. That taking a risks can only ever be a good thing, because you never know where you'll end up because with every adventure you learn or see something you wouldn't have before. She always had faith in my sense of adventure, that when the time was right I wouldn't be afraid to just up and go.

7. Cyndi: My high school best friend who was always like a more outgoing version of myself. I learned a lot from her, that just doing what is right for you is more important than what other people think. That being popular is not as fun as being with people who like you for who you are.  She also taught me it is the little things you do that count a lot more than what you say.

8. Sunnie: My other high school best friend who did a lot for me in both good and bad ways. She had the tendency to put boys and herself before her friendships, but it was a lesson in what it means to accept someone with all their flaws and insecurities. When you do, you sometimes get to see a side of a person that no one else does because you're willing to stick with it through good times and bad --like a true friend. It also was a lesson in standing up for your friends rather than dropping them because other people couldn't understand why you'd want to be friends because they didn't like the person. Even though I sometimes couldn't understand her behaviour, other times I was grateful for everything she'd done for me. She befriended the new girl at school, and because of that moment I got to try and experience so many new things...because of her I rebelled against some of my parents' ridiculous rules and finally got to live the life I should have been leading, but was always too afraid to try. 

9. Caroline: From Karo I learned how to be an amazing friend. This all started because we "met" on Xanga, and now are best friends in real life! She would never hesitate to help when you need it, give encouragement when you're feeling down, drop everything else when you needed someone to listen... I know that no matter what happens in life, no matter how close or far apart we live from each other, if I need someone she will be there for me. I could jump a plane to the nearest airport and call her; I know she'd pick me up and give me a place to stay until I got my life sorted out because she's that type of person. She makes me want to be a better friend and a better person. Knowing someone cares that much about me and will always have my back, gives me the courage to be anything and do anything. I can dream big, and she'll always be there cheering me on, encouraging me to go to Ireland, to write a novel and/or become a world-famous editor, and that I can do it all when it comes to exercising no matter how much I complain and whine and whinge and moan and groan and... you get the idea. 

10. Me: I never really thought about it, but when you look back at who you have been in the past you realize how much you have learned and accomplished. I managed to survive a tempestuous home life, get good grades, be accepted into university and college that I graduated with honours from, I made wonderful friends, am good at my jobs, and am halfway to achieving the dream of a life time. Even though other people have influenced me and helped give my life the direction it has taken, in the end it is all on me. It is the decisions I make, the actions I take, the words I say... It is who I want to be and the effort I make in order to be that person. I have come so far as a human being, farther than I ever imagined my life would go, but I know that I know I can do whatever I set my mind to. because of those past experiences. I'm a decent person who is loved by many people, and hope to be friends with so many more. I have to say that I am pretty proud to be me. 

SUMR

Tomorrow is the last day of my 30 day challenge. I'm pretty hyped that I managed to make it through the whole month, and am currently trying to figure out what I want to do for July. I am thinking of doing twenty minutes of walking five days a week --so even days I don't work I gotta walk-- with Dr Oz's Belly Workout six or seven days a week, and NYC Ballet workout video twice a week. I think the video may be long, so it might just be half one day and half the other. Sound like a good plan or no?

I don't know if y'all recall, but a few years ago I attempted to get healthy and fit... but ended up stopping. The reason was that my mum kept undermining everything I tried to do. Before I started she would constantly mention her size and weight, and that I was not skinny and not healthy. It was rather hurtful, so I started working out and watching what I ate. Turns out that she'd rather have a fat daughter that she can smugly give backwards compliments to (e.g. "you may be overweight but you're still a happy-go-lucky girl", etc), than to have a daughter who was making more progress at losing weight than she was. 

I had been so proud to be losing inches and pounds, but she had hit a plateau and couldn't get out of it. She didn't like that. She complained about her lack of progress rather than being happy for me, being glad that I was gradually getting closer to having a healthy lifestyle. And that is when it began, all the "sabotage". First she started by getting "rewards" to celebrate my progress in the form of cake, cookies, and my favourite chocolate bars. I love sweets and find it hard to pass them up if they are in the house, and it is especially hard since I was raised "not to waste food" by not eating it. If I tried to avoid said sweets, I would get asked why I wasn't when it was bought especially for me and that I shouldn't be wasting their money like that. 

I tried to balance eating said yummies by working out for a little longer, but that soon was put to a stop too. First it was time limits on my mum's exercise equipment, and then it became that I wasn't allowed to use them at all. One needed a new part (though she still used it), and another she was worried I'd break it as it was new and she didn't know the amount of usage it could take, and she needed her weights for her exercises, and she needed the TV for her work out videos. I couldn't afford to join a gym and even if I did I wouldn't be permitted the use of the car to get there. I couldn't go for a run outside because it's too hard on my knee, and the air pollution with my asthma makes it a big struggle to breath just strolling. Basically, my mum made it impossible for me to eat better and exercise more. 

This year, because my summer clothes were a bit too tight and I saw Caro's post about doing the challenges, I thought it was a great idea to get fit. Tthen my clothes would fit (I didn't want the expense of buying new ones) and if I needed it Caro would encourage me. But once my mum found out I was doing the 30-day challenges, she started working out more and putting herself on a diet. She has also become rather obsessed with Dr Oz. She has got us both eating Oz's butt busting brownies --they are supposed to boost metabolism-- and they aren't that bad. She also plans to buy this kudzu root and was going to share it with me, but I'm starting to question whether that will happen.

In the past month I managed to lose a couple pounds and a couple inches here and there. That's when the little cues from my mother started happening that might turn into the bigger ones that happened before. She bought herself this health shake powder stuff, but only enough for herself because it was "too expensive". She wouldn't even let me try a glass of it to see if I liked it and wanted to get some for myself.

She also made biscuits, and normally I'm obsessed with biscuits but I ate so many over the past couple years that I now only get the odd urge to make them. She kept telling me to try them and how much dad loved them, but she didn't want to answer what she thought of them. It took me a few days, but I found out that she won't eat them because they have a whack-load of calories. So she's once again trying to feed me fattening food, though I have not told her how my workouts are going for me aside from the initial measurements about a week or two into my exercising. 

When I had told her about my lost pounds, she told me it was just water weight and that it didn't count unless it stays off for over a week. She went on to tell me then, and each week since how much weight she is losing and how many inches are going on her waist --which is where I really want to see some shrinkage-- and brags about it every couple days. "Oh, my clothes are getting so loose now!" and "Pretty soon I'm going to be half your size!" are the sorts of things she'll say. The good news is that I've never been one for comfort foods, and thus don't turn to stuffing my face to make myself feel better. I am prone to cravings caused by my sweet tooth, but I'm hoping she won't remember that tactic from before. 

So far she hasn't yet stopped me from exercising, but there isn't much she can do since I haven't been using any equipment or the TV. The trouble is that I plan to in July and am now dreading her saying "But this is my exercise time!" She had been exercising after work, but now that she's done for the summer holiday she just might switch to mornings just to make things harder for me. I asked for help digging out my bike earlier this month, but when she asked why I wanted it and I said to get exercise via biking to friends' houses she said it was too hard to get out and it probably wasn't fit to ride anyways having been in there for a couple years unused... which is exactly what she said that last time when I asked for help getting it out.

I thought families, especially parents, were supposed to support and encourage their children. My mum says she does so to the point of enabling our laziness, but I've always found that my mum is rarely there for me unless it doesn't affect her in any way. She didn't even want me to go to university and refused to help me understand my application forms! She denies it now, saying she always supported my decision to go, but I remember crying and calling my best friend for help and support because I wasn't getting it at home.

I think mum likes being the only skinny person in the family, because then she'll be something we're not and thus give her superiority. She is a really insecure person, and I think that her miniscule size is the only thing she's found to feel good about in herself. I don't know why she just can't be herself and proud of that, happy in her own skin and thus able to be happy for other people rather than envious... and devious. I love my mother, but when it comes to encouraging my dreams and supporting my goals, she just really falls short. So much so that she does what she can to prevent me from achieving them instead.

SUMR

I am still doing those evil 30-day challenges with @Karoline1982. I went through an "I hate this" stage, passed the "hey, this isn't so bad" phase, and have now firmly landed in the "I don't wanna" realm. I am also paying more attention to what and how much I eat, choosing healthier things and stopped snacking out of boredom. I can't say I'm losing much weight yet, but I have lost a couple inches of fat here and there --not where I want to lose it, but I'm hopeful that will come. I want to look hawt for my trip to Ireland next summer... okay, and be healthier.

The exception of watching what we eat occured when I went to visit Karo on Saturday. We totally pigged out on Blarney Chips (BEST THING EVER) and tried veggie burgers (not that good). If you want to see pictures just check out her blog post the other day. We're a bit nutty *L0L* I had to get up at 5:30am to catch a ride with my dad who was going to a competition and would be passing by, but Karo let me crash for a couple hours while she watched TV. We then went to the wonderous Fionn MacCool's Irish Pub for lunch --which ended up being a late lunch due to having to wait for the bus in a thunderstorm for an entire frikken hour. We did a bit of shopping, Karo got some cute capris and I picked up a book that was half-price. I also got Karo a good-bye prezzie of a mustache bookmark that we modelled right there in the store. I also made her a throw pillow with a karo-ized superman symbol, which is technically a birthday/christmas present I didn't want to mail/ship to her later

I had hoped to tell y'all about my date with one of the guys on the dating site. I knew him from high school when we were in a band together, but had lost track of each other after the band broke up. The plan was to go to the movies, but I haven't heard from him in a week so I'm thinking he's no longer a dating option. Unless he got hit by a car or something, he could have easily sent me a text or email --I don't do the whole "maybe he was really busy" excuse because texts only take a few seconds to type a quick message. I kind of lost interest in the dating site after this, and haven't been on all week. Ugh, boys. 

I still only have twelve hours of work per week at work, which totally ticks me off. Last week the boss-man asked me to come in on Thursday because he wouldn't be in Wednesday to discuss the project with me, but when he saw me he asked why I was in AND we didn't meet about the project *Arg!* I was right that I had to fix things on my project when I got to work on Monday, and more was done to my "baby" this past Friday which is aggravating. Boss-man and his daughter really need to sit down together to talk, and hopefully both the gallery administrator and myself will be in on that conversation too because this lack of communication is just nuts! I have lucked out that the Gallery Admin needs me to cover twelve hours for her this week, so I'll actually be pretty on par with what I need this month. The problem will be next month if my hours don't get put back or higher (which I was told would happen before)... 

So aside from the fact that I'm not getting the expected pay from my work, my mother has decided that I should start paying rent. A bit of a change from the last rent discussion that was had, considering she said I didn't have to pay anything until I got full-time work provided I do chores around the house. The reason behind this is that my parents want a new car and basically want me to buy it for them via giving them rent money. My hours get cut to nearly nothing and they want to take it from me when they know I'm trying to go to Ireland?! My mum outright said I have enough for a week-long trip and that should be good enough, and I wasn't to move there. Um, excuse me? MY FREAKING LIFE! 

Speaking of moving, two of my castmates from "Ernest" are moving. Or rather my faux-finace Algernon moved today and my faux future sis-in-law will be leaving at the end of the month. I only saw them periodically since the play ended in October, but I knew they were around and could hang out whenever we could find the time. It's sad that it won't be an option anymore and now I'll have even less friends in town than I do already. I really haven't got much to stay here for, and I think a change would be good for me. 

On a plus note, the friend of my brother's who wants to have a book published met with me this past Friday and intends to send his ms to me shortly for editing. He said that he would pay the rate I quoted (with a "family friend discount" of half-price since I knew he was on a tight budget), and once he makes money from his book he'll actually give me another payment for the equivelent amount. So with this one manuscript, I'd actually be making around three times what I made at the publishing company the past year and a half. Considering what I make as a satellite editor is peanuts and that actually doesn't say much, I'm proud anyways *L0L*

SUMR

I am just so incredibly frustrated right now! 

Yesterday I mentioned I nearly lost eight more hours of work due to the scheduling of both myself and the Gallery Admin for two of the same afternoons, but the studio owner asked me to finish working on a project for him this week. It was a project he gave me so I would have more hours, as he hated laying me off. I was so happy when I was hired back on by his daughter for the company she was buying from him and he wanted me to basically start a new company for his side of things. It was mostly because he wanted a way to make money, but also so I could still work for him too. That project became my "baby" as I'd been putting every minute I could towards it for weeks now. 

Today I was told not to come in to work for the next two days because my new boss, the studio owner's daughter, said it was a waste of money for both me and the GA to be there. I don't know what she's worried about as it isn't her company's money that would be paying either of us. GA told me that boss-lady is going ahead and making decisions because she feels her dad is taking too long to get around to it. She is having GA, and a couple others working on what she's decided. It would be one thing if she came to me to discuss everything I'd done and what she felt we should go forward with, but she's not. She is making decisions without even looking at all I have worked on. I have pages upon pages; I have check lists, and scenarios, and comparisons with other companies, and general notes, and floor plans, and advertising ideas, and social media plans,  and just everything! 

Last week the studio owner told the GA that she was to focus on the gallery projects he gave her, and not to touch mine. I felt GA and I should each know what the other was doing as the assignments were relatable, but we each were in control of our own projects. This week boss-lady says I'm not to come into work to finish my project and has the GA doing it. It is really hard to know who to listen to when the two people who are your bosses tell you opposing things. Before when it was just the studio owner who was my boss I knew he had the final say, but now she's my boss and he just has me doing work on a "freelance" basis right now. There is also the fact that the studio owner isn't in the office at present because he is in the midst of moving --the reason why he wasn't fast enough to suit everyone else. He knew I was truckin' away on it, so he wasn't worried; I'm sure he knew I'd have everything ready to be finalized when he wanted it done for. 

I don't think it is right for boss-lady to undermine her dad within his own company. She was so angry with him for laying me off without talking to her first, so that I could be informed I was being hired back on by her. Yet now here she is not communicating with him, and once again it is screwing my life over. I love the work I do for both of them, but having to deal with two bosses who don't discuss things with each other is stressful. GA thinks that she won't be kept on at the company much longer, the end of the month at best, and therefore I'll be getting my shifts back and maybe even more hours... but if she gets her gallery project off the ground she will be needed and thus not laid off after all. If the bosses see they can do things without me, then who is to say that I won't be the one who gets laid off instead? 

SUMR

I am pretty sure I mentioned a week ago that I started doing three 30-day exercise challenges, two of which @Karoline1982 is also doing. I'm still doing it, and for the most part I don't mind it too much. I have learned that exercising first thing in the morning helps wake you up and also boosts your metabolism, and both those things need all the help they can get! So I can deal with the crunches, and pushups, and plank, and squats, and even leg raises, but I absolutely DESPISES sit-ups. Those things are the most horrible things I have ever done in my entire life. If my gut doesn't feel like knives are being stabbed through it, then it feels like my thighs are on fire. Why the heck does it feel like I'm being tortured by a psycho-killer who is actually a multiple-personality of myself since I'm the one doing the exercising?!? 

I haven't done any work on my freelance editing in the past couple weeks; I just haven't felt like it *wince* I'm going to have to get to it soon as I have a deadline next week. The good news is that I have already done the first edits last month, so I just need to do second edits and formatting. I also got an email from my brother's friend who would like me to edit his manuscript before he sends it to publishers. I've not done any paid freelance work before, so I'm not quite sure how to go about payment.

Last week, due to my new shifts and the Gallery Admin not yet being laid off/rescheduled, there were two receptionists scheduled for two same afternoons. Today I was told that I wasn't needed for those two days until the GA is gone which cuts an additional eight hours with the five I've already lost.  This would have left me with just twelve hours to my previous 25, while the GA would have her usual 20-25... and she already has another job that has her working four days a week for 6-10 hour shifts. Guess who needs the hours more?! Thankfully the studio owner said he wanted me to continue working on a project that he'd like me to present to him next week, so I'll be coming in anyways. I didn't really like the idea of not going in just because the project manager said I wasn't needed, I'd rather have the new owner tell me. She wasn't in today, but she could have told me yesterday or easily sent me an email.  

I went a little OCD on the organizational front I had seventeen guys writing to me within my first seven days on the online dating site, and some are already asking to meet. Karo said it's okay that I'm that nerdy because, and I quote her exactly: "you rock" <-- as in me. What I have done is started a spreadsheet to keep track of each guy who has messaged me and a few details about each to help decide whether I'd want to meet said persons. I have listed location, age, education, current job, and how well he writes. 

Some of these guys are living in places that take anywhere from an hour or more to drive, so they basically get cut (unless it's Ireland). Age is just so I know, and if he didn't specify or wasn't willing to tell me what sort of work he did meant he likes to keep secrets, therefore they usually got a no. Education and writing skills lets me know if he has a modicum of intelligence and interest-factor; as long as they were decent at writing they were possibilities, and if they also had at least some post-secondary they have an even better chance of a meeting. 

Now I have two guys hinting at a meeting, and two more guys who have actually asked for a meeting. The first guy who asked inquired if I wanted to go for a walk this weekend, but has not given me his name nor told me what sort of job he has. He's a good writer, yet I'm not sure about him because not only did he get impatient with my not answering his email within 24-hours, but I don't really find him that attractive. He's also looking for a "long term" relationship, but I intend to move away within a year. So what do I tell him about meeting? 

The second guy is fairly interesting, decent writer, gave me his cell number, but lives in a different town and is just here while working on a project for his job. He's looking for a relationship/dating, and is potentially cute. I'm not sure if it is a better idea to text before meeting him or if I should meet before giving out my cell number... but then if we try to meet, won't we need each other's cell to ensure we're in the right place at the right time? That is, if I decide I want to meet him. I'm less worried about him because he didn't state looking for long term or marriage. Do you think I should text him or agree to meet? 

The thing is, first dates terrify me! I've only ever managed to meet one guy through an online dating site, which went rather well but he was a student and a wee bit younger than me rather than an older professional guy. There is a guy I will definitely meet who has written me, but that is because I knew him in high school and had a crush on him then. I'd totally be willing to get to know him again, even though he's no longer dating potential due to a variety of things --namely that he's anti-religious. But he did tell me I look like Bernadette on Big Bang Theory and he thinks she's gorgeous 

The only guys I have written to first are the ones who live in Ireland. I figure they wouldn't know that I'm looking to meet Irish guys unless I message them first  I sent emails to about a half-dozen to a dozen guys living in Ireland, and so far two have replied. One seems like a maybe to meet, and the other sounds like he'd be fun to hang out with. 

SUMR