I did something potentially stupid today.

I didn’t feel like doing any editing, practicing for the play, or even reading a book, so I decided to *gasp* clean. My desk looked like an avalanche of papers, my floor had crocheting projects everywhere, I’d been shoving things into my closet again just to get them out of the way, and I still had a box of stuff from the last tidying spree that I’d yet to go through. I was hoping to purge my desk drawers as well, but didn’t get the time because of the “stupid thing”.

The aforementioned box contained papers I wanted to organize in case anything was worth keeping, and in it I found a letter from an ex-boyfriend. I read the letter, remembered what a great guy he was, and wrote him an email. Why I couldn’t just tuck the blasted thing into my keepsake box without opening it I blame on the boy-crazy teenager crooning love songs from my stereo.

The letter I found was actually his response to my ending our relationship, and writing how he felt about it. It may seem like a odd thing to keep, but I’m sentimental and it’s the only thing he gave me during(ish) our relationship. I’ve never had any gifts from boyfriends, it’s my friends who give me books, stuffed animals, jewellery, etc. but that’s a different topic.

The good news is that it was NOT an “I want you back” email. He was a nice guy, but not the one for me. I broke up with him because I was pretty messed up at the time, and I couldn’t deal with being in a relationship until I got my head screwed on straight… which I’m lamentably still working on.

Ten years ago I thought by now I’d have been to Ireland, found a career doing something I loved, got married, and had a kid or two. Instead, I’m in pretty much the exact same mental place I had been while we were dating–except I was smart enough not to get in a committed relationship due to my life being such a mess. (Yes, I’m ignoring the fact I was considering dating Buttercup, but since the only commitment we agreed on was friendship it doesn’t count).

Anyway, he said some things in his letter that were encouraging and I wanted to thank him for his understanding, as well as congratulate him on his upcoming marriage. He got engaged a few months ago, and I kind of wanted to let him know I was really happy for him. I’m a little worried he’ll take my message the wrong way, not believe I am sincere.

I’ve not seen him in person since we broke up, he lives in a different city, but some of my friends live there… the same friends who introduced us. I’m still friends with them, but haven’t visited them since even though I’ve wanted to. I’m not certain what would happen if he and I did meet up again–and it would be likely–so I’m worried it would be just a little awkward for everyone.

I mean, introducing your fiancee to the previous girlfriend would be uncomfortable, right? I guess I subconsciously wanted to pave the way, to maybe be on a friend-ish basis so it wouldn’t be weird should that happen. Or maybe it’s crazy of me to want to be friends with an ex? I don’t know.

Anyways, listening to the “Fearless” album made me sad for myself. While I cared about my (ex)boyfriend, I wasn’t in love with him. I’ve never actually been in love, not even the kind described on the cd. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me… I know I’m a loving person, but why the heck can’t I have it in a committed relationship with a guy?

I worry I might be commitaphobic, scared of falling in love only to get my heart broken, but I honestly think I’d take that chance if I felt like the right guy had come along. So I guess I just answered my own question then, huh? Maybe it’s not that there is something wrong with me, but with all the boys I meet! *L0L*

So what do you think? If you heard from an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend, congratulating you on your upcoming nuptials and saying thanks for being a good person, what would be running through your mind?

❤ SUMR

Is it weird that I’m glad to be finally getting over my infatuation? No, I don’t mean my adoration for Ryan Gosling or Jonathan Rys Meyers, as they will always have a piece of my heart alongside Colin Firth. It’s the one I’ve had for the guy I know I’ve talked about WAY too much.

It isn’t the first time this crush has started to wane, but I think it may actually be in its death throes with no hope of resuscitation. I’m happy about it because, well, it was a really stupid attachment to have.

First, if the guy really wanted to date me he would have asked. None of this, “oh if it wasn’t for the fact you won’t have sex before marriage you’d be the perfect girlfriend” drivel. A guy who was worth my time would think I was worth a little sacrifice. All he’d have to do is try, and if he found he couldn’t handle a few months of celibacy then our relationship wouldn’t work out in the long run anyways. Not because he wouldn’t be getting any after we were married, but because it takes hard work to make a marriage work and I want a husband who’ll be willing to make an effort to keep our relationship alive.

Second, I have every suspicion he’d actually suck as a boyfriend. He admitted that a previous girlfriend broke up with him because he would rather play video games than go party with her. I’m not exactly a party girl, but I would want my man to be sociable–watching someone play video games is NOT quality time unless you want to play it together (and I don’t). While he was with his last girlfriend he said she wasn’t very smart and therefore wouldn’t last long. I asked why he’d date a girl who didn’t challenge him mentally, but he just grinned at me. Those actions are not exactly an indication of a sterling character, either.

Third, his house was on my way home from work, so if I had a bad day I’d ask if I could stop by for a hug… and he usually said no! Really? All he’d have to do is answer the door and give me fifteen minutes of his time. It didn’t help that if he had a bad day, he’d ask me to stop by to talk it out. Uh, where’s the equality? I would want a significant other who’d do what he could to make my day better, not one who couldn’t be bothered to so much as walk twenty feet.

Am I expecting too much? I didn’t think a man who is supportive of my beliefs, wants to spend time together, and shows he cares was so impossible to have. But I don’t think like a male. Please do tell me if such gentlemen could never exist!

What got me thinking about this was how things have been between us since he moved to another province. I heard nothing from him for about a month, and then he “needed” me. He was bored–and I’ve heard that sooo many times before–because he didn’t know anyone. I gave him suggestions on things to do and how to meet people, but he wasn’t into it. Nope, he wanted me to move to Alberta to keep him company.

He asked if I could help with his cover letter/resume and I have no problem spell-checking things for my friends, but sending me a job ad and a list of previous employers is NOT acceptable. I’m mad at myself to doing it because, by the time the entire situation was dealt with, it made me think he had just been too lazy to do it himself and wanted to sucker someone into doing it for him… and that is no way to treat friends.

To top it all off, he proposed. Say what?! Yep, numerous times he has said if I fly out to Alberta he’ll marry me the next day. Oh.So.Romantic…NOT! Even if we had been dating, I probably would have turned him down for it anyways. It was actually kind of offensive, so I’m hoping he was joking/teasing.

If I’m proposed to, I want it to be done right. I don’t mean it has to be this huge viral-video flashmob or an elaborate scheme of that nature, but I’d like it to be on bended knee with a declaration of love. If he’s arranged for a friend to secretly photograph or video-record it for us to keep, I’d be totally okay with that.

But that is not what it was. I may be a thirty-year-old single girl, but I’m not that desperate. You do not:
(a) instant message a proposal [unless you're in the military or something and can't wait a second longer]
(b) say the ceremony has to be the next day at the courthouse because the thought of not having sex until the wedding is too much for you
(c) forget to mention that you love them and want to spend the rest of your lives together

So do you hear that sound? It’s a frikken swan song. Bring on the Irishmen!!!

❤ SUMR

Okay, for anyone who knows me, I have this ridiculous on-again off-again crush on one of my best friends. Though it took him telling me that he was one of my best friends for me to realize how true that was, but it’s another story I think I may have already told. Anyways, since he broke up with his crazy girlfriend (the guy really does have questionable taste, which is going to reflect badly on me in just a moment) he has been flirting with me and essentially hinting that maybe he likes me more than I ever suspected.

You’d think I’d be pretty happy about this considering the crushing thing and all, but it’s actually a concern. I had basically reached the point where I was completely satisfied with having him as my best friend. I mean, I get almost all I’d want from a boyfriend without the drama of one. Boyfriends tend to be like un-neutered pets in that they need attention, caring for, and wanting to get laid… none of which I really want to deal with right now.

I am moving to another country in a year so a boyfriend would cause problems. Not that I’m saying the mbff has outright said that’s where he wanted our relationship to be, so for all I know he’s just having fun with the flirting thing. But if I ended up in a serious relationship with any guy right now he’d expect me to continue seeing him when I leave, and I want to be free to date while I’m there. So the thought of dating my best friend knowing it would have a time limit on it? Yeah, that can’t end well.

Before breaking up with his now ex-gf mbff was talking about helping me plan my trip and taking me to the airport so I wouldn’t have to deal with a spazdic mother while trying to figure out the airline terminal. Now that they’re through, he’s wondering if Ireland may not be everything I expect of it and end up being a waste of four years (saving up to go + living there time).

Honestly, I don’t see how moving to a country I’ve been dying to be in for fifteen years could be a disappointment. Even if I hate it I’ll still have the accomplishment of raising the funds, making the trip, and seeing the sights. I don’t have to stay for two years, so if I find I hate it I can just jump a plane and come home. The only thing I expect of the country is that it will be beautiful and an adventure. Yeah, I really hope I like living there, find a job I enjoy and a nearby place to live, make friends and even have a loving boyfriend… but they’re all things I expect out of life no matter where I live!

If you recall, I once admitted that years ago I had this “feeling” I’d meet the love of my life in Ireland. It felt like a message from God and the universe, and I always believed it to be true if I could just get there. It’s one of the reasons why I am so determined to go, because it feels like my “destiny”. So while all my friends are falling in love, getting married, and having families, I took comfort in knowing that my time would come.

Every once in a while I wondered if I was so set on a mere possibility that I was missing what was right in front of me. I’ve had other boyfriends, one of which I even considered marrying, but none of my relationships last very long because they just didn’t feel right. I would pray, asking for help and wisdom and courage to do whatever was needed to do God’s will, yet never once have I ever felt like I was told I should not go to Ireland. I have always felt like it’s where I am supposed to be, and until then I’m just waiting for my life to begin…

So once again, wondering if maybe my path has changed, I prayed. If I was not to consider having a relationship with the mbff, I wanted a sign. People in the Bible did that all the time, asking God to give definite proof of what they were supposed to do, and got it. Though if I remember right one guy kept asking until God basically told him to stop procrastinating, to just suck it up and do as he’s told.

So I was going to invite the mbff over to watch a movie, but my mum came back from her trip early and I couldn’t anymore. She doesn’t like me having any friends over in her “sanctuary”, aka house, so having him over would cause a big freak out. I asked for the next week, planning on having him over on my day off while my mum was to be at work. Then, not only did my mom get the day off, but I was called into work and, after postponing to a later time, I ended up working nearly twice as long as I was originally asked to.

Finally, for the third try, I decided to change the prayer a bit. I said that if I’m to go to Ireland and find love there, I wanted a different and more positive sign. I wanted to get an email from this guy I met who lives in Ireland if I was to get involved with him (no email, btw), or meet the guy I was to start dating or at least someone who knows the guy (to my knowledge this didn’t happen), or something to do with Ireland like winning the lottery etc… I didn’t win a lottery yet, and maybe I should have been a bit more specific as to what the sign should be in the last option, but I’m not sure I needed it as I did have something happen that had to do with Ireland.

Today the bank machine ate my card for no apparent reason and I had to get a replacement. I got talking to the lady helping me and found out she had been to Ireland the year before, renting a house with her mother and sisters (all the spouses were left behind *snicker*). She told me where they stayed, a town I’d not heard of but is now on my list of places to go, a great airline and how long a direct flight takes (8-10 hours *wince*), how best to travel… and she gave me her email. She is going to loan me a package of information to do with Ireland that she says is a big help.

So basically, twice my “date” with the mbff was canceled and then I met someone who wants to help me with my trip to Ireland. That seems like three concrete answers to my prayers that I am NOT to get further involved with the mbff and keep looking ahead to Ireland. What do you think?

❤ SUMR

For anyone who was following my old blog you already know a bit of back-history, but for any newbies or sporadic readers I’ll give the background info before getting into my thoughts.

About six ago I met a guy and had a bit of a crush on him (checking back to my “Karaoke Scripts”, I think we probably met May 2007). I found out he was in a relationship so I got over my attraction –I don’t steal boyfriends!– and decided to become friends with him. We would talk when I was at his work, but that was about it. Kind of disappointing cuz he seemed like an interesting guy, but c’est la vie.

We lost contact for a bit after the place closed down (possibly the next year), but then we bumped into each other at the local video store a year or two later. I know it was before I went to college, and I’m thinking it was a year prior my leaving as he, me, and B used to go for walks together. Yet that day, when we met again, we got talking about books –y’all know how I love books!– exchanged numbers, and have been friends ever since.

When I was at school we’d skype to watch hockey on tv together (though I think I watched the game more than he did), and I’d keep him company via skype or texting when he was bored –the guy really doesn’t know how to stay occupied when he’s not in a relationship *shakes head* And we got even closer as friends, which was great as we could have just as easily drifted away.

Not just writing him off because he was taken way back when was a wise decision on my part, because the guy is awesome and has become one of my closest friends. I eventually granted him the label of my “best male friend”. I have had two other BMF previously, but I married one off to one of my female best friends and the other one moved so I’m not as close to them as I used to be. Even though I have had those other friends who are guys, it wasn’t quite like this. It’s with this one that I always turn to for advice or what-have-you.

Even though our mutual gal pal B has moved (I always thought they were closer friends with each other than to me), he and I still go for walks and/or go out for coffee. We went for a walk about two weeks ago and our conversation took a slightly different turn. Normally I yammer on about this and that since he’s not the most talkative type and I’m occasionally uncomfortable with silence, but this time he controlled most of the conversation and it seemed to be about more serious things than usual.

While we had stopped at a bench so he could have an icky cigarette and I to lecture him on how bad it is for him, he said a couple things I didn’t think anything of at the time but did later. The first was that he was one of my best friends, and for some reason I was oddly surprised by it. Yes, he’s my best guy friend, but I had never classified him as an actual best friend. He was totally right! I don’t treat him any different from my besties… though if I had to chose between my girls and him, I’d be all up in his face on behalf of my gal pals (I know this to be true, because it has already happened once or twice *L0L*).

Later I realized, though, he didn’t say where I stood in his life. Maybe he’s not as comfortable talking about his feelings as he is comfortable talking about mine *rolls eyes* I would have liked for him to have said I was one of his close friends, though I don’t presume I’m one of his best friends. I’m just not sure he’s the type to have a female best friends, a lot of female friends, yes, but not necessarily best friends who are girls. Knowing I’m a good friend and not a mere acquaintance just would have been good to hear because it’s nice to know I’m wanted.

The other thing he said was that he was my substitute boyfriend; it was the other thing in our conversation to give me pause. I guess in a way he could be, but then again not really. I don’t treat him all that differently than my girl besties; there are things I talk to him about that I don’t tell the others and vice versa, but that’s the only alteration between the two types.

It is the fact that he’s a guy that makes it seem like he’s taking the place of a boyfriend I suppose. We text each other, go for walks, trade books, get coffee, sometime cuddle up while watching the rare movie together. We don’t talk every day, or discuss plans with one enough before making a decision, we don’t kiss, and only once have we gone out to dinner together (which is something I do more frequently with other friends, besties or no).

I do want a boyfriend who is my friend, but I think that relationship would be different from what I have with him. Yes, at this time, he does take the place as “the guy in my life”. I have to admit this way I don’t have to deal with the drama of getting into a real relationship when I’m leaving in ten months to live in another country for up to two years. I don’t really feel the lack of a boyfriend because I have him as a best friend.

Anyways, last evening I was frikken cold and my hot chocolate was long gone, so he told me to give him one of my hands. This wasn’t entirely unusual, because when I get cold I normally wrap my hands around his arm to warm up or he would chafe one of my hands between his. The guy exudes heat like a freaking radiator! But when I gave my hand he insisted we intertwine our fingers to pretend we were dating. I was just all whatever at the time because I stayed warm for the rest of the walk by switching hand-sides every so often, but later I realized…

Wait, what?! I couldn’t recall his exact wording, but did he imply I pretend he’s my boyfriend? That’s just a no. I don’t live in some delusional fantasy world where he’s my boy-toy, as I’m quite clearly cognitive of the fact he is with someone else and has never once asked me out. We’re friends, and I’m good with that. I’m not some psycho stalker-wannabe girlfriend type! It made me wonder if I am, in fact, not an actual friend to him but a “pity acquaintance” whom he humors by giving his attention.

Okay, I know he likely isn’t thinking that nor meant to be potentially insulting, but I’m a very imaginative person so drawing a gajillion possible conclusions is always going to happen within the head of a creative-type person such as myself. I know I have a tendency to overanalyze things sometimes, and I know very well if B reads this she’d like to smack me upside the head for even saying it, but it was a thought that crossed my mind so I’m writing it out.

Basically, it all comes down to this one thing. The same thing that always seems to happen… I just cannot figure out what is going on in that boy’s mind!

❤ Sumr