I did something potentially stupid today.

I didn’t feel like doing any editing, practicing for the play, or even reading a book, so I decided to *gasp* clean. My desk looked like an avalanche of papers, my floor had crocheting projects everywhere, I’d been shoving things into my closet again just to get them out of the way, and I still had a box of stuff from the last tidying spree that I’d yet to go through. I was hoping to purge my desk drawers as well, but didn’t get the time because of the “stupid thing”.

The aforementioned box contained papers I wanted to organize in case anything was worth keeping, and in it I found a letter from an ex-boyfriend. I read the letter, remembered what a great guy he was, and wrote him an email. Why I couldn’t just tuck the blasted thing into my keepsake box without opening it I blame on the boy-crazy teenager crooning love songs from my stereo.

The letter I found was actually his response to my ending our relationship, and writing how he felt about it. It may seem like a odd thing to keep, but I’m sentimental and it’s the only thing he gave me during(ish) our relationship. I’ve never had any gifts from boyfriends, it’s my friends who give me books, stuffed animals, jewellery, etc. but that’s a different topic.

The good news is that it was NOT an “I want you back” email. He was a nice guy, but not the one for me. I broke up with him because I was pretty messed up at the time, and I couldn’t deal with being in a relationship until I got my head screwed on straight… which I’m lamentably still working on.

Ten years ago I thought by now I’d have been to Ireland, found a career doing something I loved, got married, and had a kid or two. Instead, I’m in pretty much the exact same mental place I had been while we were dating–except I was smart enough not to get in a committed relationship due to my life being such a mess. (Yes, I’m ignoring the fact I was considering dating Buttercup, but since the only commitment we agreed on was friendship it doesn’t count).

Anyway, he said some things in his letter that were encouraging and I wanted to thank him for his understanding, as well as congratulate him on his upcoming marriage. He got engaged a few months ago, and I kind of wanted to let him know I was really happy for him. I’m a little worried he’ll take my message the wrong way, not believe I am sincere.

I’ve not seen him in person since we broke up, he lives in a different city, but some of my friends live there… the same friends who introduced us. I’m still friends with them, but haven’t visited them since even though I’ve wanted to. I’m not certain what would happen if he and I did meet up again–and it would be likely–so I’m worried it would be just a little awkward for everyone.

I mean, introducing your fiancee to the previous girlfriend would be uncomfortable, right? I guess I subconsciously wanted to pave the way, to maybe be on a friend-ish basis so it wouldn’t be weird should that happen. Or maybe it’s crazy of me to want to be friends with an ex? I don’t know.

Anyways, listening to the “Fearless” album made me sad for myself. While I cared about my (ex)boyfriend, I wasn’t in love with him. I’ve never actually been in love, not even the kind described on the cd. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me… I know I’m a loving person, but why the heck can’t I have it in a committed relationship with a guy?

I worry I might be commitaphobic, scared of falling in love only to get my heart broken, but I honestly think I’d take that chance if I felt like the right guy had come along. So I guess I just answered my own question then, huh? Maybe it’s not that there is something wrong with me, but with all the boys I meet! *L0L*

So what do you think? If you heard from an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend, congratulating you on your upcoming nuptials and saying thanks for being a good person, what would be running through your mind?

❤ SUMR

Em and I went to high school together and connected over a love of books along with an obsession with Ireland. For years we’ve talked about how amazing it would be to live in Ireland, and discussed going there together as neither of us loved the idea of travelling to a foreign country alone.

So when I decided to do a SWAP, I had to tell her about it. She said she’d look into it but never did, not until I told her about figuring out how a person could actually live in Ireland for FOUR years if they wanted (aside from the time between that one must return home in order to apply for a new visa).

To me, this is the perfect time to go! Neither of us are in debt, nor have jobs or family to keep us here. Em is actually an author so she could just as easily write a novel somewhere in the Brit Isles as she could from home. In fact, she said she wanted to go there as research for a book!

Because of all all that, I was a bit astounded by her response as it was entirely lacking in enthusiasm about what an amazing opportunity this is. I just can’t figure out where her mindset is and perhaps she thinks the same of me considering I haven’t heard from her since.

I’m going to copy below what she wrote me:
I suppose you have to look at the long-term. What’s your ultimate goal? What do you want to do as a career? Are you going to get there and end up working in a pub or an office? What if the career you want isn’t available there? What if you assume you’re going to love it, but you actually hate it and you’re miserable yet you’ve put a lot of time and effort into getting there?

I’d love to do a few weeks or even a few months in Ireland and, while I’m there, see the other things I want to see – a ferry to Scotland, a train to England, the Channel to France, etc. And the actual Ireland swap is 18-35 which made me feel a bit better than the one that’s just up to 30.

Have I really sounded like I hadn’t put much thought into this? I’ve only been dreaming of Ireland for fifteen years and considered doing the SWAP thing off and on for much of that time. Maybe I haven’t planned as much as I could have, but I don’t want to just take a few weeks to see what I can and then come home. Why would I when I can spend the same amount of money to move there for two years and establish myself in a job so I’ll have time to see everything and more?!

Do I expect to love it? Yes, but I am not ignorant of the fact I might downright despise travelling… Yet the only way to learn is to go do it! I was homesick for a while when I moved for school, but I got over it. Everything has its good and bad points, but the whole reason of doing something like this is for the adventure of it all!

My ultimate goal is to follow my dream of travelling to the British Isles. No matter how much time and effort and money I put towards this, I’ll know that I tried and succeeded. By doing this, even if I find it isn’t what I thought it would be, I’ll have a better understanding of who I am and what I can do.

Quite frankly I don’t see how what I want for a career even matters. I am going to the UK for the adventure, and if I happen find a position that forwards my career plans then BONUS! I fully expect I might end up working in a dead-end job just for the privilege of living in a foreign country, but I’m okay with that. It’s no different than my current situation of trying to get anything that will pay the bills except all the people will have accents and there will be locations I haven’t yet handed out resumes to.

The thought that I won’t make friends is completely bogus, because I almost always make friends. I will have five freaking countries full of potential mates, and I’m sure at least a few of them will be willing to make my acquaintance. I’ve already been talking to other past and future swappers online, so I may have friends before I even leave my home!

As for falling in love…Well…I hope so. I know it might not happen and even if it does the relationship could end badly, but the same might occur no matter where I am. You don’t choose when or where you fall in love, it just happens when it’s meant to happen. I happen to think it will happen in Ireland, but that’s just me.

I am so sick and tired of putting off my dreams, of hearing naysayers, of feeling like I’m in a holding position until my life can start! I know I’ve got to do this, I’ve got to leave this country because there is honestly nothing for me here.

❤ SUMR

I mentioned last week that I was disappointed to discover I couldn’t do the UK SWAP after I did one in Ireland due to my age. I think it’s totally bogus that all countries don’t allow you to be up to 35 to do a work exchange, because sometimes it can take a while to pay off school loans. I don’t know about other people, but I don’t want to be touring the country while my debts go into collections.

When I mentioned my sadness (but not my age-related rant), I was told I could do a UK SWAP now and then one to Ireland after. I knew that was an option, and yet it wasn’t. I did not want to put off going to Ireland again, even though people told me I could visit as much as I wanted while living in England. There was also the worry of if I’d manage to get money saved up again in order to do an Ireland SWAP right after the UK one as time will be tight in order to make that age deadline too.

And then I looked into the UK SWAP anyways, because I didn’t want to miss a possible opportunity to live in my second-on-the-list of my travel bucket list. I don’t understand how I could have so stupidly forgotten NORTHERN IRELAND IS PART OF THE UK!

Yeppers, Ireland has a north and a south with each belonging to a different swap program. I could do the UK SWAP and live in Northern Ireland if I wanted… but I think I’d only want to be there for 6-12 months and use the rest of my time to live in Scotland…or Wales… or jolly ol’ England. If I had trouble finding a job in a particular country or really hated living there, I have three other countries to choose from!

There is still the small worry of getting up enough funds to also to an Ireland SWAP or the government deciding to change their age-range down to 30, but I’m thinking it’s a risk I should take so I could spend four years absorbing the varying cultures that make up the British Isles…

If you were me, what would you do?

❤ SUMR