For anyone who was following my old blog you already know a bit of back-history, but for any newbies or sporadic readers I’ll give the background info before getting into my thoughts.

About six ago I met a guy and had a bit of a crush on him (checking back to my “Karaoke Scripts”, I think we probably met May 2007). I found out he was in a relationship so I got over my attraction –I don’t steal boyfriends!– and decided to become friends with him. We would talk when I was at his work, but that was about it. Kind of disappointing cuz he seemed like an interesting guy, but c’est la vie.

We lost contact for a bit after the place closed down (possibly the next year), but then we bumped into each other at the local video store a year or two later. I know it was before I went to college, and I’m thinking it was a year prior my leaving as he, me, and B used to go for walks together. Yet that day, when we met again, we got talking about books –y’all know how I love books!– exchanged numbers, and have been friends ever since.

When I was at school we’d skype to watch hockey on tv together (though I think I watched the game more than he did), and I’d keep him company via skype or texting when he was bored –the guy really doesn’t know how to stay occupied when he’s not in a relationship *shakes head* And we got even closer as friends, which was great as we could have just as easily drifted away.

Not just writing him off because he was taken way back when was a wise decision on my part, because the guy is awesome and has become one of my closest friends. I eventually granted him the label of my “best male friend”. I have had two other BMF previously, but I married one off to one of my female best friends and the other one moved so I’m not as close to them as I used to be. Even though I have had those other friends who are guys, it wasn’t quite like this. It’s with this one that I always turn to for advice or what-have-you.

Even though our mutual gal pal B has moved (I always thought they were closer friends with each other than to me), he and I still go for walks and/or go out for coffee. We went for a walk about two weeks ago and our conversation took a slightly different turn. Normally I yammer on about this and that since he’s not the most talkative type and I’m occasionally uncomfortable with silence, but this time he controlled most of the conversation and it seemed to be about more serious things than usual.

While we had stopped at a bench so he could have an icky cigarette and I to lecture him on how bad it is for him, he said a couple things I didn’t think anything of at the time but did later. The first was that he was one of my best friends, and for some reason I was oddly surprised by it. Yes, he’s my best guy friend, but I had never classified him as an actual best friend. He was totally right! I don’t treat him any different from my besties… though if I had to chose between my girls and him, I’d be all up in his face on behalf of my gal pals (I know this to be true, because it has already happened once or twice *L0L*).

Later I realized, though, he didn’t say where I stood in his life. Maybe he’s not as comfortable talking about his feelings as he is comfortable talking about mine *rolls eyes* I would have liked for him to have said I was one of his close friends, though I don’t presume I’m one of his best friends. I’m just not sure he’s the type to have a female best friends, a lot of female friends, yes, but not necessarily best friends who are girls. Knowing I’m a good friend and not a mere acquaintance just would have been good to hear because it’s nice to know I’m wanted.

The other thing he said was that he was my substitute boyfriend; it was the other thing in our conversation to give me pause. I guess in a way he could be, but then again not really. I don’t treat him all that differently than my girl besties; there are things I talk to him about that I don’t tell the others and vice versa, but that’s the only alteration between the two types.

It is the fact that he’s a guy that makes it seem like he’s taking the place of a boyfriend I suppose. We text each other, go for walks, trade books, get coffee, sometime cuddle up while watching the rare movie together. We don’t talk every day, or discuss plans with one enough before making a decision, we don’t kiss, and only once have we gone out to dinner together (which is something I do more frequently with other friends, besties or no).

I do want a boyfriend who is my friend, but I think that relationship would be different from what I have with him. Yes, at this time, he does take the place as “the guy in my life”. I have to admit this way I don’t have to deal with the drama of getting into a real relationship when I’m leaving in ten months to live in another country for up to two years. I don’t really feel the lack of a boyfriend because I have him as a best friend.

Anyways, last evening I was frikken cold and my hot chocolate was long gone, so he told me to give him one of my hands. This wasn’t entirely unusual, because when I get cold I normally wrap my hands around his arm to warm up or he would chafe one of my hands between his. The guy exudes heat like a freaking radiator! But when I gave my hand he insisted we intertwine our fingers to pretend we were dating. I was just all whatever at the time because I stayed warm for the rest of the walk by switching hand-sides every so often, but later I realized…

Wait, what?! I couldn’t recall his exact wording, but did he imply I pretend he’s my boyfriend? That’s just a no. I don’t live in some delusional fantasy world where he’s my boy-toy, as I’m quite clearly cognitive of the fact he is with someone else and has never once asked me out. We’re friends, and I’m good with that. I’m not some psycho stalker-wannabe girlfriend type! It made me wonder if I am, in fact, not an actual friend to him but a “pity acquaintance” whom he humors by giving his attention.

Okay, I know he likely isn’t thinking that nor meant to be potentially insulting, but I’m a very imaginative person so drawing a gajillion possible conclusions is always going to happen within the head of a creative-type person such as myself. I know I have a tendency to overanalyze things sometimes, and I know very well if B reads this she’d like to smack me upside the head for even saying it, but it was a thought that crossed my mind so I’m writing it out.

Basically, it all comes down to this one thing. The same thing that always seems to happen… I just cannot figure out what is going on in that boy’s mind!

❤ Sumr

A few months ago when I was visiting @Karoline1982 we were watching television while eating breakfast and “Say Yes to the Dress” came on. Needless to say, since that day I was hooked on the show and have been watching it periodically since. Last week I saw an episode that had my dream dress in the background, or as close to my dream dress as I had seen. I was half hoping one of the brides would try it on so I’d get a better look at it, and half praying that they wouldn’t get my dress –which is entirely stupid because it was in Atlanta who knows how long ago.

Now every night I’ve been dreaming variations of that dress, and the dream always has a similar theme: It’s for Caroline’s wedding (BTW, Caro, your wedding colour is silver) and I see my dream dress. The first night it was Caroline trying on wedding dresses and I keep staring at “my” dress. I don’t say anything because this is her day and her moment, but she notices and after she finds her dress she calls me back to the dressing room where she’s had the attendant bring my dress to try on.

The next day I got thinking about that, and figured there was a good chance that Caro would be getting married while I’m in Ireland. I’m hoping the wedding would be after I get back because I’m worried I may not have the money for the flight, but c’est la vie. So after that thought is set in my head, there is a change in my dream that night.

I’m living in Ireland and I have to go try on bridesmaid dresses for Caroline’s wedding so she’ll know my size and can order all the dresses together. She had given me a list of styles to try that the other bridesmaids liked, and the option to try on any style I like. The colour is still silver, but Caro is undecided if she wants everyone in the same dress or different dresses in the same colour.

While looking for bridesmaid dresses to try on, I see a dress like in the movie “Funny Face”. In the film it’s a wedding dress, but in my dream it’s a dress that can be for the wedding or you can order a pinafore overskirt to give it a different colour. I absolutely fall in love with it and want it for my dress and am hoping against hope that it comes in silver so I can wear it to Caro’s wedding, but also that I can wear it at my own reception without the pinafore.

I woke up at that point –probably due to either of my parents getting up for work– and when I fell back to sleep I was in Canada to try on my bridesmaid dress but there was a problem in the dressing room. The lady in Ireland sent a fax with the proper sizes and all, but the lady in the Canadian store messed up and got a flower girl dress. We found my dress on the racks, but she wanted to charge me for both dresses when she was at fault and I had to ask for the manager.

Now that is rather unlikely, because I hate making a fuss and what are the chances that ever happening? Then last night I had still more dreams about my dress, but it was a bit different and well more different again. I was still going in a store in Ireland to try on dresses for Caroline’s wedding, but there was a new twist…

I went into the store in Ireland asking if I needed an appointment to try on bridesmaid dresses, and while there I saw my absolute and utter dream wedding dress. It still had that princess tulle skirt, but this time it went to the floor with a train and shimmered (think Princess Diaries II red dress sparklies). I stopped in my tracks and had to try it on as it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen and I simply couldn’t resist.

It was perfect. It fit fabulously, even the length! Well, provided I was wearing heels that is. I wanted it so badly, but I wasn’t even engaged. I was dating someone, sure, but it wasn’t like I had the money for a wedding dress though I was tempted to figure out how to fit it in my budget anyways.

I woke up again in the night again, but not yet. I had more of this dream before I was woken up by my mum, then went back to bed and the dream had shifted some. Because they are so closely tied together I decided to give the explanation now instead of when the first dream finished as both involve a man.

In the first dream my male best friend comes in the store. His job just stationed him in Ireland and he came for a visit while he had time to spare. As soon as he saw me in the dress he knew he wanted to spend his life with me and dropped to his knees right there in the store. I wasn’t sure what to do because while I did have a crush on him years ago it had moved into friendship, and I was currently dating someone in Ireland.

The next part kept changing, because my dream self couldn’t figure out how to deal with this. In one instance I say yes, in another I make it look like I say yes but tell him we need to talk, and lastly I pretend he was joking by dealing with it as nicely as possible but not taking it seriously. I ask him if he has time to hang out while I try on the bridesmaid dresses and then we can spend some time visiting. I wake up when I go back in the dressing room, and after falling back asleep there is no male best friend in the picture, but the guy I had been dating.

There I am standing on the runway looking at the gorgeousness of the dress. In the background the attendant is quietly talking to the manager or owner of the store, telling her she’d never seen someone cry when they saw the dress of their dreams on a mannequin before even trying it on. Then there he is, my lovely Irish boyfriend. I didn’t know why he was there, but I was a bit worried about him seeing me in a wedding dress because we hadn’t talked about marriage and I though he might freak out thinking I was seriously jumping the gun.

But he doesn’t. He just smiles at me and says I am the most beautiful bride he’s ever seen and would I do him the honour of marrying him. He even pulls out my dream ring, the one I had designed when I was a teenager. Naturally I say yes, and the whole store cheers while I cry happy tears. My now finance says, “I guess you better get this dress.” And that’s when I realize I hadn’t even looked at the price tag because I hadn’t planned on actually buying it, just sort of dreamed about doing so.

I turn to the attendant and the manager (who are ones from the TV show), asking how much the dress is. The price is insane even if I had planned and saved for a wedding. But then she continues, it doesn’t need alterations and I can buy it off the rack which will make it cheaper, along with it being on sale. It was still a lot, but an affordable a lot. And she was also going to include shoes, a veil, and jewellery.

If you watch SYTTD a fair bit, you’ll recognize a few things in my dream from the show. There is a bridesmaid version, there was a dress mix up (though in the show’s case it was a misplaced dress and not the wrong one), a bride wanted a silver dress, a relative was trying on wedding dresses at the same time, a couple of brides were proposed to in the store, another bride was given her dress, etc…

Needless to say, I can hardly wait to go to Ireland, fall in love, and get married *L0L*

❤ SUMR