June 29, 2013
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Exermasizing & Mom
Tomorrow is the last day of my 30 day challenge. I’m pretty hyped that I managed to make it through the whole month, and am currently trying to figure out what I want to do for July. I am thinking of doing twenty minutes of walking five days a week –so even days I don’t work I gotta walk– with Dr Oz’s Belly Workout six or seven days a week, and NYC Ballet workout video twice a week. I think the video may be long, so it might just be half one day and half the other. Sound like a good plan or no?
I don’t know if y’all recall, but a few years ago I attempted to get healthy and fit… but ended up stopping. The reason was that my mum kept undermining everything I tried to do. Before I started she would constantly mention her size and weight, and that I was not skinny and not healthy. It was rather hurtful, so I started working out and watching what I ate. Turns out that she’d rather have a fat daughter that she can smugly give backwards compliments to (e.g. “you may be overweight but you’re still a happy-go-lucky girl”, etc), than to have a daughter who was making more progress at losing weight than she was.
I had been so proud to be losing inches and pounds, but she had hit a plateau and couldn’t get out of it. She didn’t like that. She complained about her lack of progress rather than being happy for me, being glad that I was gradually getting closer to having a healthy lifestyle. And that is when it began, all the “sabotage”. First she started by getting “rewards” to celebrate my progress in the form of cake, cookies, and my favourite chocolate bars. I love sweets and find it hard to pass them up if they are in the house, and it is especially hard since I was raised “not to waste food” by not eating it. If I tried to avoid said sweets, I would get asked why I wasn’t when it was bought especially for me and that I shouldn’t be wasting their money like that.
I tried to balance eating said yummies by working out for a little longer, but that soon was put to a stop too. First it was time limits on my mum’s exercise equipment, and then it became that I wasn’t allowed to use them at all. One needed a new part (though she still used it), and another she was worried I’d break it as it was new and she didn’t know the amount of usage it could take, and she needed her weights for her exercises, and she needed the TV for her work out videos. I couldn’t afford to join a gym and even if I did I wouldn’t be permitted the use of the car to get there. I couldn’t go for a run outside because it’s too hard on my knee, and the air pollution with my asthma makes it a big struggle to breath just strolling. Basically, my mum made it impossible for me to eat better and exercise more.
This year, because my summer clothes were a bit too tight and I saw Caro’s post about doing the challenges, I thought it was a great idea to get fit. Tthen my clothes would fit (I didn’t want the expense of buying new ones) and if I needed it Caro would encourage me. But once my mum found out I was doing the 30-day challenges, she started working out more and putting herself on a diet. She has also become rather obsessed with Dr Oz. She has got us both eating Oz’s butt busting brownies –they are supposed to boost metabolism– and they aren’t that bad. She also plans to buy this kudzu root and was going to share it with me, but I’m starting to question whether that will happen.
In the past month I managed to lose a couple pounds and a couple inches here and there. That’s when the little cues from my mother started happening that might turn into the bigger ones that happened before. She bought herself this health shake powder stuff, but only enough for herself because it was “too expensive”. She wouldn’t even let me try a glass of it to see if I liked it and wanted to get some for myself.
She also made biscuits, and normally I’m obsessed with biscuits but I ate so many over the past couple years that I now only get the odd urge to make them. She kept telling me to try them and how much dad loved them, but she didn’t want to answer what she thought of them. It took me a few days, but I found out that she won’t eat them because they have a whack-load of calories. So she’s once again trying to feed me fattening food, though I have not told her how my workouts are going for me aside from the initial measurements about a week or two into my exercising.
When I had told her about my lost pounds, she told me it was just water weight and that it didn’t count unless it stays off for over a week. She went on to tell me then, and each week since how much weight she is losing and how many inches are going on her waist –which is where I really want to see some shrinkage– and brags about it every couple days. “Oh, my clothes are getting so loose now!” and “Pretty soon I’m going to be half your size!” are the sorts of things she’ll say. The good news is that I’ve never been one for comfort foods, and thus don’t turn to stuffing my face to make myself feel better. I am prone to cravings caused by my sweet tooth, but I’m hoping she won’t remember that tactic from before.
So far she hasn’t yet stopped me from exercising, but there isn’t much she can do since I haven’t been using any equipment or the TV. The trouble is that I plan to in July and am now dreading her saying “But this is my exercise time!” She had been exercising after work, but now that she’s done for the summer holiday she just might switch to mornings just to make things harder for me. I asked for help digging out my bike earlier this month, but when she asked why I wanted it and I said to get exercise via biking to friends’ houses she said it was too hard to get out and it probably wasn’t fit to ride anyways having been in there for a couple years unused… which is exactly what she said that last time when I asked for help getting it out.
I thought families, especially parents, were supposed to support and encourage their children. My mum says she does so to the point of enabling our laziness, but I’ve always found that my mum is rarely there for me unless it doesn’t affect her in any way. She didn’t even want me to go to university and refused to help me understand my application forms! She denies it now, saying she always supported my decision to go, but I remember crying and calling my best friend for help and support because I wasn’t getting it at home.
I think mum likes being the only skinny person in the family, because then she’ll be something we’re not and thus give her superiority. She is a really insecure person, and I think that her miniscule size is the only thing she’s found to feel good about in herself. I don’t know why she just can’t be herself and proud of that, happy in her own skin and thus able to be happy for other people rather than envious… and devious. I love my mother, but when it comes to encouraging my dreams and supporting my goals, she just really falls short. So much so that she does what she can to prevent me from achieving them instead.
SUMR